Exile in Spideyville

New Spiderman Villains! A Sneak Preview
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An email sent in error. A confidential file. Inside, a short cryptic message. "Tobey: The S-III villains list. Your eyes only. – Sam."

A phone call to an off-off-off-off-Broadway producer, and then:

The American Society of Dermatological Practitioners proudly presents

A Playtex Theater Company production of

The All-New Spiderman III Villain Review (with back-story notes)

CatPigMan

He was just another mild-mannered accountant out walking his pet mountain lion and Vietnamese potbellied pig when Mr. Porkers emptied his bladder onto the stray-voltage-electrified subway grate the three of them happened to be standing on. Now they've fused into one horrific, and horrifically smelly, super villain.

The Yellow Baron

Like the Red Baron, only yellow.

Doc Proc

Single-handedly responsible for the film's NC-17 rating. Make that double-handedly.

Visually Impaired Eagle-Eye

He sees all, except for the ­blind spots in front of his thumbs.

Birder

"Look! Is that an Ivory-billed woodpecker?" Don't turn around, Spiderman! It's a trick!!!

Newborn.

So ugly, the midwife slapped his mother – and he's been mean ever since. Crime sprees, tearing up the city and such.

Facelift

If he's learned one thing in his strange life, it's this: Never try to blow dry your hair while reenacting scenes (a la The Rocky Horror Picture Show) from the move Brazil.

The Vagina Monologist

Hey, how'd he get in there? He's got a lot to say, most of it negative and critical. Featuring the voice of Eric Bogosian.

NoseTradamus

He sees all, except Spidey's web coming at him. Not much of a brawler, really.

Otto E. Rotic Asphyxiation

I don't think Spiderman even has to fight this guy. Dang, buddy.

Lord Bunnyvishnu

His Saag Paneer is to die for – watch out, Spidey!

Limp Cock

Let's keep moving.

Junkie

Man, if he ever gets his shit together Spiderman could be in for some serious trouble.

Narcissus

Can a villain get a little privacy around here?

Coming soon to a theater! Not the one near you, though.

Breathe deep the gathering gloom

For some reason those lyrics popped into my head. I think they're from a Moody Blues song. I guess some of it has to do with the bittersweet nighttime mood that sets in after the kids are in bed and it's just me alone with my thoughts and this keyboard. Most days I have the kids and they drive me nuts, I can't wait for night. But at night I get pre-nostalgia for the future sadness I'll feel when they're grown up and gone. It's hard to imagine, but of course it happens to everyone. Up they grow, off they go.

Of course the impending gloom is aided by the cookie-fueled sugar crest and trough that follows. No point in denying that.

God, this is boring. Maybe I'll try again when I have something to say.